SaraTops

FUCK!!!!!!

I can’t.

I can’t believe I’m in love with that comedian that talks about farting and masturbation.

I can’t believe he dumped me.

I am mute. I am deaf.. dumb… and blind. I am essentially… Useless.
I don’t even know if I have emotion or if I’m so deteriorated from the past… so jaded about the future and so pissed off about right now. Maybe all of my emotion has leaked out of my eyes and into a pool of aqua marine psuedo “I don’t give a FUCK” that is conveniently located at the bottom of my feet at all times and I occasionally slip on it and remember what emotion feels like. But then.. I realize that I don’t like the barrage of emotion I keep.. I don’t like the hate. The sadness. The lonely and depressed. I don’t like or want feelings anymore.
I want to be mute.
Or happy.

Too bad its up to me and I don’t know how to fix it.

Singing to each other until 2 in the morning.
Talking about murderin hobos for chocolate bars.
Loving the sound of you shaking your protein drink.
Whispering about how stoned you are.
Whaling.
The sound of your laughter.
When you tell me you love me and I feel it in my heart strings.
The fact that you’re still shaking your protein drink.
And then comparing my body to it…
This phone call.

I dream of him every night. Seriously. Every night. I don’t know if I like it or not. I love that my subconscious wants him as close as I consciously do … but I miss him more when I wake up. It’s hard. Last night was a particularly great one. I dreamt that we were in a movie theater and we were watching the funniest movie ever, we were both laughing so hard. We laugh so perfectly together.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m still stuck. I feel like he wants to move on from me so bad, and I don’t want to stop him. I want him to be so happy…. I really do. It’s just that I want him too. I want him forever. I know we have so many things to work on. And I know that it will be so much easier to walk away and give up. We really do have a million problems keeping us from always being happy. But when we are happy… we’re sooo happy. Like the amazingly in love, missing puzzle piece, kind of happy. It’s so perfect. I can’t walk away from that. I want him. I want him to want me. I don’t want to be his drug. I want to be his love. I just don’t know if that will ever happen. I just don’t think it will ever matter how much I change. I don’t think he will be able to forgive me for how I used to be. I can’t blame him. I was a horrible selfish person. I didn’t trust that he really loved me and used that against him. I mean… who could really love me? I still struggle with that. I don’t know. I’m working on me.

He feels addicted to me. It’s such a horrible feeling to know that he wants to quit me… but can’t. I feel like every second I selfishly talk to him, I’m just enabling him more. Every time I tell him how much I love him, I’m putting that needle to his veins, I’m killing him slowly. But when he tells me he loves me, I feel like I can breathe. Like the water in my lungs dissipates and the world is right again. I’m no longer drowning alone. I’m disgusted with myself for how he feels about me. I don’t know how it can be so different for us. I think he hates me. I think he needs me and he hates me for that. Which makes me hate me too.
I think he feels the same way I do though.

It’s so fucked up. I feel like I have finally grown enough to want and deserve someone to love me forever. To stay and fight, instead of run away. But I’m still doing as much harm as I was when I would just give up. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I want to help him. I don’t know how. It’s weird too.. Cause he has hurt me so much as well. I don’t know what keeps either of us here except I think we both want to change.

I can’t give up on us. I won’t walk away again. I love him. I love him like the amazingly in love, missing puzzle piece, kind of love.
That has to be worth something.

Why does this have to be so hard. I’m tired of everything being hard. I want something happy. I want to be happy and I want it to be an easy happy. I just want to love and be loved. I don’t want any more ultimatums where both choices make me unhappy! FUCK MY LIFE!

I’m running away.

Today should be a day of moving on. Today should represent new beginnings and new faith. Today should be spent feeling refreshed and motivated yet thoughtful and reverent.
Today should be mine.

But it’s not….
Today is instead a day of mourning. Today represents sadness and longing. Today will be spent in a black hole of emotion.
Today is no ones.

I try to do what I think is best even though I feel otherwise. Catch 22 through my mind. Do I follow emotion or logic? I tend to fall trap to emotion on a regular basis, even though I usually fall too far into it and logic can’t help me anymore. Logic instead laughs at me and then slaps me in the face. Unfortunately at that point emotion has taken sides with logic and I, once again, am left… alone.
I never learn. Emotion is a tricky little backstabber. Logic is temperamental.

I want to call you. Everything inside of me is screaming “pick up that fucking phone!!! Don’t let the love of your life, your soul mate, your baby… Don’t let him go.”
Everything except logic.

So what do I do? I’m trying to be strong when I know I’m weak. I’m trying to right when it feels so wrong. I’m trying to be everything you want me to be in balance with everything I want me to be.

I’m not happy. Not without you. Not yet. Maybe never. You broke my heart. And I broke yours. But I want you. I need you. I love you.

Fuck you for making your standards so much lower for yourself than where you make them for me. Fuck you for expecting me not to care when I realize it. Fuck you for turning me into this horrible person in your head then treating me as such. Fuck you for wanting me to be as lonely and sad as you and getting mad at me when I’m not. Fuck you for expecting me to make changes that you’re not willing to make, compromises that you aren’t willing to go through with and choices that would reflect what a ‘good person’ is in YOUR eyes when you’re out doing the same things you ask me not to do. Fuck you for taking your downfalls out on me and turning my words into hateful, spiteful lies. Fuck you for using me for a year and a half and treating me like the bad people that you say you want to protect me from when it’s convenient. Fuck you for lying to me to spare my feelings than shouting what you really think when you’re angry with me. Fuck you for saying that you believe in me when you really don’t and fuck you for feeding off of my mistakes. Fuck you for not seeing me as I really am. Fuck you for making me more weak because it makes you feel stronger. Fuck you for believing that man over me and for not accepting or forgiving me when I told you the truth. Fuck you for throwing my past in my face just to prove a point. Fuck you for not seeing the good in me and just pointing out the bad. Fuck you and your pity. Fuck you and your double standards.

I loved you.
I have changed and I am still changing.
What have you done?

I am better. Better than I was and better than you give me credit for.

I deserve better than this and better than you.

So fuck you.

If Drew Carey was sitting next to me…

I’d probably say hi to him.