I dream of him every night. Seriously. Every night. I don’t know if I like it or not. I love that my subconscious wants him as close as I consciously do … but I miss him more when I wake up. It’s hard. Last night was a particularly great one. I dreamt that we were in a movie theater and we were watching the funniest movie ever, we were both laughing so hard. We laugh so perfectly together.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m still stuck. I feel like he wants to move on from me so bad, and I don’t want to stop him. I want him to be so happy…. I really do. It’s just that I want him too. I want him forever. I know we have so many things to work on. And I know that it will be so much easier to walk away and give up. We really do have a million problems keeping us from always being happy. But when we are happy… we’re sooo happy. Like the amazingly in love, missing puzzle piece, kind of happy. It’s so perfect. I can’t walk away from that. I want him. I want him to want me. I don’t want to be his drug. I want to be his love. I just don’t know if that will ever happen. I just don’t think it will ever matter how much I change. I don’t think he will be able to forgive me for how I used to be. I can’t blame him. I was a horrible selfish person. I didn’t trust that he really loved me and used that against him. I mean… who could really love me? I still struggle with that. I don’t know. I’m working on me.
He feels addicted to me. It’s such a horrible feeling to know that he wants to quit me… but can’t. I feel like every second I selfishly talk to him, I’m just enabling him more. Every time I tell him how much I love him, I’m putting that needle to his veins, I’m killing him slowly. But when he tells me he loves me, I feel like I can breathe. Like the water in my lungs dissipates and the world is right again. I’m no longer drowning alone. I’m disgusted with myself for how he feels about me. I don’t know how it can be so different for us. I think he hates me. I think he needs me and he hates me for that. Which makes me hate me too.
I think he feels the same way I do though.
It’s so fucked up. I feel like I have finally grown enough to want and deserve someone to love me forever. To stay and fight, instead of run away. But I’m still doing as much harm as I was when I would just give up. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I want to help him. I don’t know how. It’s weird too.. Cause he has hurt me so much as well. I don’t know what keeps either of us here except I think we both want to change.
I can’t give up on us. I won’t walk away again. I love him. I love him like the amazingly in love, missing puzzle piece, kind of love.
That has to be worth something.
